My New Mouse

Old mouse died last evening, and i had to replace it. So i have a new mouse.
The old, now dead mouse I LOVED that mouse. I cant Tell you how much, else I'd have to kill you. Lets say when i got it i was exstatic as i got it via a pricing error. Nuff said on that bit.
That ones dead.
The New One? The puter thought it was a KEYBOARD, when i plugged in the usb reciever. Fixed that though.
Anyway, doubts over new mouse, justified, as I told you I loved the other one, and new one is just slightly bigger.
I continue.
New mouse? Has a Speed button on it. That works. Three speeds. Bit kooky that . Also it switches off when machine does.. and to switch on when you switch puter back on ... You do an initial left click. I didnt think it was as funky as last one? It seems to have decieved me. its well funky.
Oh theres more...
Plus its metallic deep red, and rubber side grips. Thems the important bits. But Dont like its click sound.
 Maybe im noticing the click sounds cos the dead one had very very low volume, and this isnt . (from the mouse itself) < THIS, This all is very important sensory information. To someone who loved a mouse that is now dead. Its replacement HAS to prove itself.
 Sounds silly, but it ISNT. Its quite important. Especially with fatigue, these things do matter quite a lot.

But im sure me and new mouse will get along. Now to bury the dead one. 

Okay here it is

Julie, she’s a Man (I nicked that from a song) 
This one doesn’t wanna be that man.

I’m not one that often seeks help for myself.
Imagine if you will a world where you live breathe eat and sleep as one person, but inside you are not that person. Would that be living a lie?
Would the freedom to create an online identity reduce that slightly as you can express and present differently? Is that enough?
Very difficult to explain. I am inside whatever.But presenting that and being that having far too many percieved and experienced barriers .

I was born male. I don’t FEEL male, I FEEL woman, and have for years and years.

We get through various crisis scenarios, even a childhood where all femininity was denied me by an onerous and violent man. So as to arrive in Life as Man to a 49 yr old still lost, still not who they should really be.  That’d be me. I have known for so long. And why haven’t I asked anyone help? There’d be many reasons for that.

Turned down by NHS 3 times. I don’t fit their niche apparently.

Thinking about it I can self medicate. But i cant afford it. Safely I can use 6-8mg daily of Progynova daily. ..And androcur . And there’s electrolysis which seems like another mountain. Too many mountains in fact.

With help though for these costs, as I maintain my own daily/ weekly/ monthly and annual costs from an ESA only income (where a lot of that as much as i can helps other people on many issues) , I could conceive that this would be an extremely good route to take for sanity and wellbeing.  Seeing a thing on telly where even people nearly there condemn me as a not there upset me a lot. The Not Trans enough thing does bite.

But theres environment, people and support.. where 1) not good 2) not good and 3) Where is it? so i leave this blog as it is .

I may have solved Why Earworms Exist...

Some people get reminded of tunes for reasons, and others for no reason at all, but the no reason at all Mustve been triggered by something. Let me develop that further. There may be NO ACCIDENTAL EARWORMS AT ALL.. bear with me.

So the first i was reminded of was Rise, by Public Image Limited, when someone was talking about the only energy that keeps them going was anger. That that was their energy. And if you know the song. Theres words in that repeat: "anger is an energy" , so that was that one.

The second was I was reading about the blusterings and distractions of EU negotiations, when theres issues like the health service/ pensions/ and sick and disabled cuts to funding and benefits going on. The song? Comparing Politicians to children and their games? did you guess? Games Without Frontiers, Peter Gabriel.

And now the third. Seeing the plethora of confusion, bombing of hospitals and civilians in several places, if you read up you'll know where..and that so easily that could end up in some immense catastropy..thoughts many have. An accident could trigger that catastropic imagination into reality. Did you guess the song? 99 Red Balloons by Nena, where the premise of that was Accidental release of weather balloons causing a major crisis point situation.

So when you think hard about why you think of a song. Think , is there a reason a song comes to mind?

I may have solved Why Earworms Exist.

Dont Judge Book by cover.. you never know/ More on Invisible stuff

Tenofovir disoproxil, two 10/500 codydramol, strong b vit compound, folic acid, thiamin, and a fybogel. Done, just the now.
Do you know thats the main daily thing? ...then more codydramol (up to 8 a day total) and ibruprofen, if needed. Thats for the rest of my life, unless they change anything. Deffo the T.D. wont be removed- theres no other meds left in the options, ive had all and i mean all the other options....
That IS a daily forever thing. So that one better not give up eh?

So you think that i'd be pretty used to it and it doesnt cause issues in head by now at least.... youd be wrong , its always a constant . what issues, i cant say, but yeah. Also two/three of the DX's, they play with the head. Yup.

So never judge. Cos it could be very complex inside, and you see NONE of it, unless you know. Even then you might be guessing. 

The One where i got a We're confirming the details we hold on you call..

On a details check, the caller was correct to call, but didnt know that ESA support group doesnt relate to or get income support.. WHICH WAS madness. They said so with that do you also get income support? FFS they should train condition checkers far more than they do.
Also... How often do you use internet, and do you have any social media accounts. NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS
None of the answers were mandatory, it was a justified call, but still, the caller didnt seem to know the questions they were asking, or the questions were badly designed.
I did also say that withheld number even though I know who you are and why you are calling, that i have mentioned to themselves before as a barrier to getting through to some people... and registered with them that my preferred contact with them is now EMAIL. lets see if that sticks.

More stuff and whatever about Invisible Stuff...

Just had one of those pains in my ankle that happen from time to time.. and it made me skake. One of those.
One of those things YOU dont see.
Thats possibly gonna be called Chronic Regional Pain syndrome if it goes on and on, they call it prescribed pain at the moment. As its a result from an assault.
Basically in whole and including knee downwards.
You dont see it.
I barely limp, (most of the time, sometimes i do so more)
I notice different walk but others unless looking ...
cant see.
So I've told you bits before of my invisibles.
And so Thats one of my other invisibles above.

Views On this Govt.

A Domestic Abuse Survivor wrote and asked me to share her concerns, and so without edit, i do so below...


Have we ever been hoodwinked or treated so badly by a government in recent times?

I compare this political era to a miserable, abusive, stifling, frightening, damaging relationship I escaped from in 2006.
I escaped because I could. There were steps in place to help me in my desperation. Housing benefit, refuge, support from CAB
and a mental health team. I did it.

There comes a moment of clarity. A searing realisation of the harm being done. The isolation. The sheer terror. THIS PERSON
(OR GOVT) DO NOT HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS AT HEART. In the most sinister way, they convince outsiders
they're doing everything possible and this is 'the right thing to do.' It's not.

Look at what government are doing with help of complicit press/media. They're denying justice for all, destroying Social Security,
housing, benefits for sick/disabled, NHS, social care. They stalk our country deciding who deserves to eat or heat their homes, or even
if they deserve homes at all. They're crippling opposition and changing boundaries to their advantage. They're removing voters
from electoral roll who are most likely to vote for opposition. They're pitting one minority group against another. Democracy?
I don't think so.
I escaped in 2006. Today it would be almost impossible. There's one abuser bigger than all the rest. Our own government.

Poverty Porn is sickeningly blatent...

Four Days ago Trussell Trust said :" ‪#‎BenefitsBritain‬ just turned up unannounced at a foodbank despite being asked not to; we don't support demonising poverty."
This is sign of continual (and aimed to be continued) media trying to assault characters.
The day before Yesterday I saw a Journo/ telly request for People who KNEW anyone overweight or that kept a pet and used a foodbank, to speak to.
Now combined with all the other stuffs we see if thats not deliberate sensationalist bombardment, and poverty shaming/ poverty porn what is?

Try to counter this where ever you can, its insipid filthy media. 

The one where i talk a bit about Slow Computers

Just had a question on ANOTHER slow machine... So the first check you do is Browser cache. If too full, really slows you down.Cache does speed you up when its got what you want in it, but overful is a nightmare., but if machine slows down, clear browser cache first.

Another issue , is if you are lazy and your machine cant speed up, it may be the way you are working on that machine. It sounds silly but too many tabs open Can slow you down. The reason is a lot of the times each tab may be demanding info from different servers. So instances of three social media platforms could be slowing you down. By instances i mean open at the same time.

Another point is the graphics load. To improve slow machines, clean the desktop, which is good practice anyway, then the machine isnt loading that graphic in the background. Plus your screen backgroun. A plain colour, that assists too.

You see speed isnt necessarily unachievable , its how you Work the machine.




I move on to MACHINE cache, And to cookie loads on browsers you use.. This mysterious area for some is avoided. But every so often it can come down to the fact you havent looked at that for months or ever. The machine if cleaned of that will require a re-bedding in to work fast, but from a clean base, you build in what you need.. That is you work/ allow stuff as you need etc so that it does achieve optimal. This means when you do this signing in across all stuff again, which is a pain. But is part of a speed fix.



If its a mac. Dont use any third party software to do this. Theres enough mac tech to look up on web where you do the job yourself. Its mainly drag and drop stuff in hidden bits, but look it up.


One other thing, I may have missed loads out here, but a clean Operating system install if machine clean seems impossible to you, remembering that Where required BACK the files you want to keep up. Thats good practice anyway.

But keep smiling cos adding Ghostery.com and Adblock plus to the browsers you use, will also speed you up.

Then of course theres always the browser. Opera for instance has a turbo feature that works via compressing data before you get it, sort of , anyway, and works through their server which is trustworthy. This can speed things up. Remember though that that use of turbo on OPERA might not be liked by things like netflix and others, so turn turbo off if on opera and you fix THAT issue.

Now although this isnt comprehensive, or too instructional, theres lts affect the speed. So think. Also ask people. Often they are happy to help .

A peek into many minds

Been reading up (lots) on helping others and failing at self. That can be written many ways. Essentially a misunderstood word called co-dependence sits in to the analysis of that. I shant really go deeper in this post on that, but ive looked up where its born, what causes it, i still can only find , and hardly comprehensive, How To Fix it. Some fix it from a realisation, and that can be via others gently telling in many ways what they see. The problem is , codependents often get used, And its often rooted in how they were or had been treated in formation of self and worth. But im not a psych writer. I could write experience and where im at on it, but no ones asked, i dont need approval, and im not being paid to.

The last sentence above is VERY clever in my opinion. It describes something. Will you see it though?

A portion of my ills is this bit

A small explanation of whats up with one part of my guts.
Currently instructed on 3 fybogel a day. in a week 2 another week one (Symptomatic Diverticular Disease)
Also more to fybogel than people think , it firms too, not just assists passage. Also helps clear pockets to avoid infection/tears and resultant possibility of sepsis. The pockets form in what should be smooth. I wont do a diagram.
One of the SDD things is persistant diarhoea in my case. 
Also bloating. quite a bit of bloating. And cramping on lower left abdomen.. the cramping isnt nice at all.
Diverticulitis is whenever this inflames. And it does quite a bit with me. Not pleasant. Its mainly bad in the sigmoid area.
Sigmoid being the large bit in the lower bit. Not small bit.
It can lead to serious complications that require surgery, which ive avoided apart from couple of polyps. and once time heat sealing cauterisation of a bleed.
And for years they simply called it IBS. ive heard many with more complication having generic IBS diagnosis too. 
Any way thats ONE bit of my ills, and only part of what stops me working.

Someone messaged me (Hence This edit bit) to clarify is this dangerous? Yes. In my case. I have a weak immune system because of another ill not described above.