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Tuesday, 23 February 2016

Okay here it is

Julie, she’s a Man (I nicked that from a song) 
This one doesn’t wanna be that man.

I’m not one that often seeks help for myself.
Imagine if you will a world where you live breathe eat and sleep as one person, but inside you are not that person. Would that be living a lie?
Would the freedom to create an online identity reduce that slightly as you can express and present differently? Is that enough?
Very difficult to explain. I am inside whatever.But presenting that and being that having far too many percieved and experienced barriers .

I was born male. I don’t FEEL male, I FEEL woman, and have for years and years.

We get through various crisis scenarios, even a childhood where all femininity was denied me by an onerous and violent man. So as to arrive in Life as Man to a 49 yr old still lost, still not who they should really be.  That’d be me. I have known for so long. And why haven’t I asked anyone help? There’d be many reasons for that.

Turned down by NHS 3 times. I don’t fit their niche apparently.

Thinking about it I can self medicate. But i cant afford it. Safely I can use 6-8mg daily of Progynova daily. ..And androcur . And there’s electrolysis which seems like another mountain. Too many mountains in fact.

With help though for these costs, as I maintain my own daily/ weekly/ monthly and annual costs from an ESA only income (where a lot of that as much as i can helps other people on many issues) , I could conceive that this would be an extremely good route to take for sanity and wellbeing.  Seeing a thing on telly where even people nearly there condemn me as a not there upset me a lot. The Not Trans enough thing does bite.

But theres environment, people and support.. where 1) not good 2) not good and 3) Where is it? so i leave this blog as it is .


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